Jerry Jones Promises to "beat the Giants asses" and bring the Cowboys back to "The Gory Hole Days"

During his annual training camp opening ceremony Jerry Jones preached to fans that "Y'all should come to Cowboys Stadium and watch us beat the Giants' asses". That ceremony, by the way, included skydivers.

This old bastard just needs to crawl into a hole and die. Seriously. All this talk about how "Y'all should come to Cowboys Stadium and watch us beat the Giants' asses," and bringing the Cowboys back to the "Glory Hole Days" (see video above) should be a red flag for Alzheimer's or something. He needs to be put into a home. Jer, you do know that before you "beat the Giants asses" in Cowboys Stadium, you play them on opening night, right? Regardless though, the Giants record in your $534.7 trillion stadium is 3-0. Remember last year?

It still stings doesn't it? And news flash Jerry, the Glory Hole Days in Dallas are long gone and they ain't coming back. They've been over since Troy Aikman hung up the pads to jerk off Joe Buck in the broadcasting booth. Times have changed. That star in the center of your field that use to represent "Americas Team" has lost its mystical powers. You can't even call the Cowboys "Americas Team" anymore anyway, because when Jerry fills his stadium 74% of the fans must cross the Mexcian border to attend the game. The Cowboys glory hole days are long gone, but a new team has stepped forward. The New York Football Giants. AND Mr. Jones, you my friend built them the most expensive Glory Hole of all time. That massive hole in your stadium that lets God watch the Cowboys play, is now Eli's Glory Hole, and once a season he gets to sticks his monstrous cock in it and tell every single member of the Cowboys organization right down to the hotdog venders to suck his dick.

Tyler Sash reliving Freshman year

A day after learning cornerback Terrell Thomas is likely out for the season with a partially torn ACL, the Giants learned they'll be without another member of the secondary for a quarter of the regular season. Safety Tyler Sash has been suspended four games by the NFL for a violation of the league's policy on performance-enhancing substances. Later that day Sash tweeted:

"I took a prescription drug (Adderall) legally under a doctor's care for an anxiety condition during the offseason in March of this year. The purpose was to help me with public speaking appearances," Sash said in a statement. "I had no idea that this prescription drug was banned by NFL policy. Although I take full responsibility for this situation, I also want to state that I have never cheated or taken performance-enhancing drugs, and I frown on those who do. I am highly disappointed by the league's decision in this matter, but I will continue to do my best on and off the field."

Tyler, I love ya but next time come up with a better excuse. Poppin addy's to help with your anxiety that's caused by your extreme fear of reading children's books to kindergarteners? Nice try. We all know the real story. You went to visit your Alma Mater (Iowa) with some former teammates. The night started off fine. Hitting the bars, drinking beers, then one of your friends started buying tequila shots and everything went down hill from there. You ended up at the TKE house with a very questionable Asian girl grinding against your braggiole. She asked you to come back with her but you were tired, so you ran around the house until you found the Rush Chairman who gave you 2 pills for $10 dollars, crushed them up, rolled up a Washington, blew a few lines, and took the girl back to her room. Next thing you remember is waking up in morning on a lofted bed in the freshman dorms looking for a condom wrapper. I mean their could be some things I missed but I'm pretty sure that's how his night went down. Anyway Tyler I hope it was worth it because you're suspended for 4 games and Will Hill is looking to move up the depth chart.      

The Black Unicorn Rises!

Fuck the Dark Night, Fuck Batman, and Fuck Morgan Freeman, It's the dawn of a new era! Why's he running? Why do we have to chase him? He didn't do anything wrong.....It's because he's the hero New York deserves, but the people don's seem him as one. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A black unicorn! Martellus Bennett, the Cowboys cast off who was picked up by the Giants this summer is my new favorite player on the roster, and now ranked by me as the #1 TE in the NFL. I just cut that bum Gronkowski off my fantasy team and picked up Martellus. Today while being interviewed by New York sports writers Martellus was questioned about his speed, his response "I'm kind of like a black unicorn out there. It's amazing to watch." Next Bennett made a statement on why Eli Manning isn't at all like a wife and what Eli prefers for dinner..."He’s easy to talk to, Just ask him what he wants. Sometimes like your wife, you never know what she wants. You ask and she’s like “Well, I don’t want chicken.” You’re like “Well, do you want steak?” She’s like, “No, I don’t want steak.” … You know, Eli knows if he wants chicken or steak." Finally he then was asked about what he thinks about offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride, his response, "Oh, he's cool. He does a great job putting his players in position to make plays. I love the offense. It's moved around to where a tight end can really compete out here. He's just a great guy to be around, a good coach, he explains everything down to the T so you know exactly what's going on, how to do it, how to do your job. (He's like) Professor Dumbledore." This man is fucking nuts. I sat down for 20 minutes reading the interview and learned 3 things.

1)He has the speed of a black unicorn
--It's about time we got a TE that has not only speed, but the speed of a black unicorn. Only three people have lived to tell the tale of the black unicorn, Eli Manning, Adam Sandler, and Johnny Cash. All three have stated that the beast could fly at speeds up to 98 km/sec. Listen I loved Kevin Boss and Jake Ballard, but its about time the Giants added a brother with speed to the squad. The Giants are know for strong, over the middle, white TE's but I guess now that we have a black president John Mara finally realized the Jim Crow laws were abolished and that their is a place for racial equality in sports. 

2)Eli knows if he wants chicken or steak

--Eli, unlike the other 32 starting QB's in the NFL knows what he wants. When he goes out to dinner, Eli knows before he sits down what he wants. He's got his mind made up all the way down to the appetizers. Meanwhile other quarterbacks like the UGG wearing homosexual Tom Brady take over 45 minutes to decide whether they want the Crab Linguini Alfredo or the Parmesan-Crusted Tilapia.

3)Kevin Gilbride's system and actions resembles that of the great Professor Dumbledore
--Well I mean if the HB delayed draw is similar to the Tarantallegra spell, which Makes victim's legs dance uncontrollably, so the victim cannot control his or her movements, first used by Draco on Harry in the Duelling Club in Chamber of Secrets, then I guess you can call them similar.

"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as comparing himself to a black unicorn to let him know that the world hadn't ended."

The Black Unicorn has arrived. 

  

Back In Action

Back for the 2012 Season with a new title. The New York Football Report. Your spot for Giants and Jets news. Until I can find a reputable person to blog for the Jets I will be blogging for both teams.