The Black Unicorn Rises!

Fuck the Dark Night, Fuck Batman, and Fuck Morgan Freeman, It's the dawn of a new era! Why's he running? Why do we have to chase him? He didn't do anything wrong.....It's because he's the hero New York deserves, but the people don's seem him as one. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A black unicorn! Martellus Bennett, the Cowboys cast off who was picked up by the Giants this summer is my new favorite player on the roster, and now ranked by me as the #1 TE in the NFL. I just cut that bum Gronkowski off my fantasy team and picked up Martellus. Today while being interviewed by New York sports writers Martellus was questioned about his speed, his response "I'm kind of like a black unicorn out there. It's amazing to watch." Next Bennett made a statement on why Eli Manning isn't at all like a wife and what Eli prefers for dinner..."He’s easy to talk to, Just ask him what he wants. Sometimes like your wife, you never know what she wants. You ask and she’s like “Well, I don’t want chicken.” You’re like “Well, do you want steak?” She’s like, “No, I don’t want steak.” … You know, Eli knows if he wants chicken or steak." Finally he then was asked about what he thinks about offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride, his response, "Oh, he's cool. He does a great job putting his players in position to make plays. I love the offense. It's moved around to where a tight end can really compete out here. He's just a great guy to be around, a good coach, he explains everything down to the T so you know exactly what's going on, how to do it, how to do your job. (He's like) Professor Dumbledore." This man is fucking nuts. I sat down for 20 minutes reading the interview and learned 3 things.

1)He has the speed of a black unicorn
--It's about time we got a TE that has not only speed, but the speed of a black unicorn. Only three people have lived to tell the tale of the black unicorn, Eli Manning, Adam Sandler, and Johnny Cash. All three have stated that the beast could fly at speeds up to 98 km/sec. Listen I loved Kevin Boss and Jake Ballard, but its about time the Giants added a brother with speed to the squad. The Giants are know for strong, over the middle, white TE's but I guess now that we have a black president John Mara finally realized the Jim Crow laws were abolished and that their is a place for racial equality in sports. 

2)Eli knows if he wants chicken or steak

--Eli, unlike the other 32 starting QB's in the NFL knows what he wants. When he goes out to dinner, Eli knows before he sits down what he wants. He's got his mind made up all the way down to the appetizers. Meanwhile other quarterbacks like the UGG wearing homosexual Tom Brady take over 45 minutes to decide whether they want the Crab Linguini Alfredo or the Parmesan-Crusted Tilapia.

3)Kevin Gilbride's system and actions resembles that of the great Professor Dumbledore
--Well I mean if the HB delayed draw is similar to the Tarantallegra spell, which Makes victim's legs dance uncontrollably, so the victim cannot control his or her movements, first used by Draco on Harry in the Duelling Club in Chamber of Secrets, then I guess you can call them similar.

"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as comparing himself to a black unicorn to let him know that the world hadn't ended."

The Black Unicorn has arrived.